Take My Hand

Again, the ground starts to sink...

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 03:53:14 GMT

This cake just isn't right with regular icing

Pretty Good If You're Into E-Books

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 06:51:22 GMT

Ebooks!

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 04:32:14 GMT

I really want a BIG piece of chocolate cake

Grumble Grumble Grumble

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 04:19:49 GMT

Tonight the beast is trying to rear it's ugly head. I'm struggling with constantly trying to be pleasant. I don't want to be ugly towards anyone and I'm fighting with that. I've been working on "holding my own", in regards to the Bipolar bear. So far things have gone pretty well. I still have my days where I doubt that I can control this on my own and today happens to be one of them.

I'm not in a good place right now and it kinda scares me a little.

Everything is an irritation right now. They say that writing is a form of therapy. That you're supposed to be able to transpose your thoughts and feelings into the words in which you write and that it helps you to feel better. Yeah, so far, it most certainly isn't working.

I really need my xanax again. Specifically for times such as these. *sigh*

~ Deuces ~

On Account Of The Fact That It's Good Therapy

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:24:46 GMT

*meh*

I tried to sit down and come up with this really awesome post, but yeah, not gonna happen.

So i'm gonna rock out with cookin my mustard greens and have a beer. I should be able to come up with something later.

/transmission

Handsome Man Saved Me From The Monsters

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:10:39 GMT

Frozen fruit is my key snack food. It always has been. Its funny how certain things can make you feel like a kid again. For me it's eating blueberries. Frozen or fresh. The way they turn your mouth that certain shade of puple/black. It takes me back to my grandmother's house in the summer time. All of my cousins and I sitting on the front steps laughing and talking about nothing.

Had quite a good chat with briskpepper this evening. My last day down here is going to be the 24th. Then i'm making my way back to c'ville.

I have to go talk to my brother's step mom so that she can help me get the paperwork all set up so that I can get the money from my trust transferred to my possession on May 23rd.

But for now, i'm going to watch more "Angel" and go to sleep. Hope everyone is well. See you soon.

Update!!

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 08:47:34 GMT

I know I've done a bit of crazy posting tonight, however:

. I fixed my glasses this evening!! I couldn't figure out as to why the screw wouldn't stay in. Only to realize that this entire week, I've been trying to put it in upside down. You have to really give it for the smarts here.

. I uploaded some recent pictures into my scrapbook. They are located in the 2008-09 album. There from this past couple of months. New ink, New glasses, Long hair. An overall better me. I hope you'll check them out.

I Found It, And It's Absolution...

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:33:04 GMT

the words flow
decisions made
idea's mine
but the inspiration not
dreams of hangers-on
dreams of getting well
spells of esmeralda
amarose fortold

splinters in the eye
sentiments remain
bones are never asked
where are we going to
it was never up to me
and yet i pushed until it broke

i love the open road
and all that it suggests
wheelwagon dust
weeds and infidelities
and always swore our love
never questioned why
in a wooden house
immovable and silent
and drinking strawberry wine
forever lost in town

and through the sleeping streets
nightbound and heavy
wheels in a spoke
just a spoken foreign sound

know my gates are high
my friends even higher
forgotten in my mind
yet the scars still lingering
cloud the blue skies
i'm jealous of you birds
was the only truth
in a world full of words

hear the prairie sound
in a friend called near
the heart is pointed down
but my spirit pointed up
his voice the siren
of greek mythology

i pause with my pen
i begin to defend
every action taken
every moment sealed
when i was quick
it coursed through open veins
the will to live
the urgency to move
behind a panel door
sealing cherry stain
i played my guitar
and lived those lonesome notes

like a dog that's down
in a corner just aside
waiting to be called
waiting to be yours
ghosts of a machine
without purpose or will

i'll often speak of you
but the you was always me
'cause when i speak of me
it's me i ask of you
so let there be no truth
just trickery in rhymes
time the only thing
waiting still is death

i hope for resolution
pray one defining moment
pause without restraint
barren without child
a child is who i was
a child is who i'll die
a child is who i'll die

soot in my hair
and stars in my hands
soot in my hair
and stars in my hands
soot in my hair
and stars in my hands

And hands down, my favorite Pumpkins song.

Why Is It Always A Sad Sheep?

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:14:37 GMT

I've recently gotten brave enough to listen to the "Adore" album by the pumpkins. For a long time it served as quite a bad omen. I don't know why. Every time, without fail, while listening to that album, something of a disastrous nature would occur. Which was unfortunate due to the fact of the brilliance of it. I haven't listened to it for almost 3 years.

So here I sit. Smoking my Parliament Lights and listening with slight trepidation.

Who am I to need you when I'm down
Where are you when I need you around
Your life is not your own

And all I ask you
Is for another chance
Another way around you
To live by circumstance, once again

Who am I to need you now
To ask you why to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me

And you may go, but I know you won't leave
Too many years built into memories
Your life is not your own

Who am I to need you now
To ask you why to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I to you?
Along the way
I lost my faith

And as you were, you'll be again
To mold like clay, to break like dirt
To tear me up in your sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
You were never meant to belong to me
You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I?

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 09:32:57 GMT

Had a very pleasant day off. Spent the majority of the day vegging out on the couch watching movies. Secretly did a little dance when my cousin left for VA for 2 days. Went out to eat and had a nice little japanese dinner with my roommate. Yay for miso, sushi, and edamame!!! It got me about 10 shades of nostalgic for The Rose. Ah the good days. Came home and he and I watched "Black Snake Moan", and "Don't Say A Word". Basically i've stayed planted to the couch all damned day. At the end, i'm pefectly content with that :)

So far 2009 is starting off on a good note. Life has been busy as all get out lately. Many things changing. But then again, change is inevitable. I'm working between 50-70 hours a week. I'm mostly just bartending now, but still do a bit of serving from time to time. I think however, if I were serving more than bartending, i'd quit. No kidding. When I bartend I get to be myself. I can bullshit with people all I damned well please. I don't have to worry about running around like a chicken with my head cut off and having to deal with all the bullshit that goes on when you're working alongside a bunch of people. Plus it's something that i'm really good at.

There have been some big changes over the past year, and still some big ones to come. I won't come out and say the things to come. That would ruin the surprise :). Almost a year ago I moved down to South Carolina. SC has been good to me on the all in all. I for the most part cannot complain. I moved down here after life bottomed out in C'ville and had to end up moving back home for a while. I've met some great people down here, and then again, some not so great. But that comes with everywhere. You can't just have a batch of all good, that would be boring. I work too much, and have not enough time for just myself.

Came across a bunch of pictures and music from at least two years ago. It's always so funny to see how much you've changed from one year to the next or hell in some cases from month to month. The ones I found were from when I was still living on Blenheim Ave in Belmont with the gay republican. God he was such an odd duck. I thought my roommate now was ocd and odd until I remembered about Bridger. Two years ago however was the most that i've ever weighed in my life. I think I was up to a size 12. It was after I quite smoking, I had gained a bunch of weight, lost some of it while doing the Women's 4-miler, stopped running and gained it back. I'm back to where I used to be, but it took forever.

I didn't make any resolutions this year. I made promises to myself, but they were before New Years Eve, so they don't really count as an official resolution. At least that's what i'm telling myself so that i'll feel better. I've gotten back into Imogen Heap and Frou Frou. I'd almost forgotten exactly how much I enjoy them. Being in "The Dirty South" it's hard not to be swept up in the rap/hip hop/r&b. Which to say isn't a bad thing, but I started to shy away from what i'm used to listening to.

I'm completely aware that this is just one big rambling post. I don't know where this is coming from. I don't think that i've ever posted anything on her that was this long without it being a news story or something of the equivalent. But oh well. Either you'll read it or just skip over it. Either way, it's not going to bother me. I'm in a mood to rant, this doesn't happen often at all so fuck it. But as for now, being that it's almost 4:30 i'm going to head to bed.

Good Night To You All And I Hope All Of Your Dreams Are Filled With Bunny Ninja's...

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 22:55:58 GMT

Really, what is much better than a mid-afternoon romp in the sheets?

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:40:14 GMT

She said she wants some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross, a little Anita, will definitely set this party off right

She said she want some Ready for the World, some New Edition, some Minnie Ripperton, and definitely set this party off right

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 03:05:28 GMT

Today overall has been a really good day. yesterday I stayed home all day. Dawn and I made a small little christmas dinner for us. mmm... ham, cheesy mashed potatoes and corn. A very low maintenance meal. Was off today and am off tomorrow as well. I'm actually kinda looking forward to going back to work on sunday.
Spent the majority of last night trying to fix the computron. Virus central. Not even spysweeper would work. Luckily got everything worked out.
So yeah, that's my post in about a century.

/transmission

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:27:33 GMT

it's so hard living and dealing with someone who has a problem, but can't recognize it. Someone who stays so angry all the time. Pushes all the wrong people away. Hurts the ones who are loved most.

The worst is that "it" can't be talked about. Not to the person. You run the risk of getting yourself physically hurt.

I'm at a loss. HELP!

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:05:39 GMT

From your lips and back up
To your eyes, my hands on your hips when we grind im fantazing
Bout what im gon do to you.
You got me fiending for her love (can't lie)
Man you should see how she got me
Spending all this time with her (with her)
I couldnt leave her if I wanted to her love turns men into fools
Tell me what a man is to do.

Cause I cant breathe when you talk to me,
I cant breathe when your touching me
I Suffocate when your away from me
So much love you take from me
Im going out of my mind

I Cant Breathe When you talk to me
I cant breathe when your touching me
Suffocate when your away from me
So much love you take from me
Im going out of my mind.

Whenever we up in this bed and my fingers all in your hair,
I Wonder if you feel me watching you
Cause I can't go a night without your lovin
Got me lookin at this phone
Everytime it rings I hope its you (girl)
Got me bracin for ur love (and ive) fallen for u
I (cant lie) I just wanna be with u
[ Suffocate lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
And yes she got me there I said it
Somebody call the paramedics tell them to hurry up and come through.

Cause I cant breathe (cant breathe) when u talk to me
And I cant breathe when ur touching me (when your touching me)
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
Im going out of my mind

I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I Suffocate when your away from me
So much love you take from me
Im going out of my mind

Dont never leave me girl
I need you inside my world
I cant go a day without you
And see nobody else would love but u I would never feel like I feel with you cause I

I can't breathe when you touchin me
I can't breathe when you're talk to me
I Suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
Im going out of my mind ( im going out of my mind)
I cant breathe when you're touching me ( I cant breathe)
Suffocate when you're away from me so much love you take from me.
Im going out of my mind (im going out of my mind).
Ouhh no no .. I cant breathe
Ouhh no no I cant breathe ouhh no no I cant breathe
Ouuhhhhhh woo ouhh

Ouhh no no I cant breathe Ouhh no no I cant breathe (I cant breathe).

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:54:09 GMT

"Love In This Club, Part II"
(feat. Beyoncé, Lil Wayne)

Yea Yeah
Yea Yeaaah
Yo 'SoundZ' I Hear You Man
Usheerrrr
Yea Thats It Right Here
Queen B Yeaaaah
I'm the king, y'all know that (Usher Baby!!)
She the queen, came right back (Listen To It!!)
Yeaaahhh... Yeaaahhh

(OH!! REEEMIIIIX!!!)

[Verse 1:]
[Usher]
Now baby girl there ain't nothing more than I can say
Y know by now I want it more than anything
If I walk away and just let you leave
You'll be stuck in my head like a melody

[Beyoncé]
I know you want it (yeah)
I'm hestitating (why)
You must be crazy
I got a man, you got a lady

[Usher]
I know we here together
So this must be something special
You could be anywhere you wanted

[Pre-Chorus: Usher]
But you decided to be here with me
No coincidence
It was meant to be
Don't be shy
Don't let your boy get in
So you can tell of all your friends
You was on the remix like...

[Chorus: Usher]
In this club
In this club
Ladies can I put this love up in you
One time if you ain't scared say wassup
In this club
In this club
They can keep watchin I ain't stopin'
Baby I don't give up
In this club
In this club
Ladies can I put this love up in you
One time if you ain't scared say wassup
In this club
In this club
They can keep watchin
Baby I don't give up
In this Club

[Verse 2: Beyoncé (Usher adlibs)]
Baby you know I'd be down
But we can't have all these people starin' standin' around
This right here is only for your eyes to see
But you gettin carried away
Sayin we can (Do it where ever)

The way you touching me
Like no other (I'ma make you feel insane)
You trying your hardest to make me give in
But I'ma be down to give you what you want
And if you keep it up

I strongly doubt this velvet rope hold me up
And I don't won't secruity rollin' up on us (I got you)
I'm not hesitating I just don't wanna rush
You could be anywhere you wanted

[Pre-Chorus: Beyoncé]
But you decided to be here with me
No coincidence
It was meant to be
Promise if I mess around
I let you get in
You gon' tell of all your friends
You was on this remix like...

[Chorus: Usher (Beyoncé)]
In this club
In this club
Ladies can I put this love up in you
One time if you ain't scared say wassup (If you ain't scared baby)
In this club (In this Club)
In this club
They can keep watchin I'm not stopin' (They can keep watchin I'm not stopin')
Baby I don't give up (Baby I don't give up)
In this club
In this club(I wanna make love)
Ladies can I put this love up in you (I wanna, I wanna make love)
One time if you ain't scared say wassup
In this club (Baby, put it on me, make love to me right)
In this club
They can keep watchin
Baby I don't give up
In this Club

[Verse 3: Lil Wayne]
Shawty wanna thug
It started with a hug
And her ass went like this
I gave her neck a kissy kiss
She gave my neck a kiss back
I say we cut through it like a stack
I mean we cut through it like a G
On the couch in V.I.P
Shawty we just get it on
I'm like shout out to the DJ
For playin this song
Girl we can act like 2 damn fools
And everybody think we doin a dance move
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Meet me in the bathroom
And you can be my secret lover...girl
And it started with a hug
And now were making love in this club
And were not gonna stop
Just because the people in the club are watchin' us
Cause we don't give a damn what they say
This is the remix baby

[Bridge: Usher & Beyoncé]
[Usher]
Come a little closer
Let daddy put it on ya
Need you to know
What happens here stays here

[Beyoncé]
Well I'm ready and willing
Mama's got to go
Gotchu standing that attention
Keep it on the low

[Usher]
Ain't nobody watchin
Don't worry they can't see us
I know I got you hot
Now let me in

[Beyoncé]
You in the club or the car
Where ever you are
Run and tell the DJ
Run it back on replay

[Chorus: Usher (Beyoncé)]
In this club
In this club
Ladies can I put this love up on you (Fellas can I put this love up on you)
One time if you ain't scared to say wassup (One time if you ain't scared to say wassup)
In this club
In this club
They can keep watchin
Baby I don't give up
In this Club
Now run and tell you're friends
You gotta hear this remix like....

[Usher]
King and queen.. yall know
Yeah man
[Lil Wayne (while beyonce sings)]
What would music be without 'SoundZ'
[Beyoncé]
If we make love in this club, in this club, in this club
[Usher]
Nobody will knoooow, baby.......

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 15:21:25 GMT

So, work at 3:30 today. It's saturday so I should make some relatively good money. Pending I get in a good section tonight. Then it's in at 11:30 tomorrow. woo (bleh) hate working the church crowd.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:35:44 GMT

Man it's been a while. yeesh. well anyway. I'm living in Conway, SC for anyone who's interested. I love it down here. I'm 20 minutes away from Myrtle Beach, I love my job, living with my cousin (who's damn near like my sister).

felt like i should give a bit of an update, so here you go.

This Is An Optimist's Guide For The Hopelessly Fucked!

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 04:56:02 GMT

So over the last couple of weeks, life has not gone quite as according to "plan". Seemingly things went from bad to worse. Suffice it to say, this is the lowest that I have been in a very very long time.
I have lost so much. So very much. All in the span of a week. I still have Bo, and for that, words can't even express how lucky I feel, despite all that has happened.
Things were so good for so long. I can't imagine that there aren't a few people out there who, after reading this, are reveling in it. But whatever, that's fine. Sometimes it bothers me and makes me wonder how i'm viewed in the eyes of "Everyone In Town". I've always tried to do the best that I knew how. But sometimes your best just doesn't make the cut.
It's funny, every time that I start thinking about the past, I always seem to be listening to Bella Morte's Album "Where Shadows Lie". Corny as it may be, it helped open the door to who I am and where i've been in the past 6 years. Sometimes I really wish I could go back to being 16 at The Rose. Where the only worries I had were, did we have enough gas to make it over the mountain to c'ville and making it back home before dawn. I've basically lived here for almost 7 years now. That to me, is indescribable.

I really don't know what the real intent of this post was to be about, but it sure turned into one hell of a pointless ramble. Go Figure.

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 14:41:58 GMT

"The Walk"

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 18:41:14 GMT

The First Time He Took Me Dancing Was At A Civil War Reenactment Ball. I *Hearts* Him!

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:29:11 GMT

Anxiety runs high for pigs in plaid

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:04:25 GMT

The morning does not seem to be a good opening into what I was hoping would be a semi descent day.

I feel off kilter today. We've shifted downward and I feel like i'm falling.

I have to get labs redrawn tomorrow. When they made me get them done when I was at Northridge so that they could monitor me on the depakote, my white count came back pretty high. Which denotes that there is some kind of infection in my body somewhere. Although I feel perfectly fine, they still want me to get it double checked.

Psych Eval Results

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:06:20 GMT

I have Bi-Polar 2 disorder
OCD with slight Agoraphobia
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Panic Attacks (which is another anxiety disorder)

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:00:43 GMT

The clock just doesn't seem to want to move away from 11:53. Damnit, I want lunch time now!! Come on 12.

Anyway, other than mild frustrations with das intarweb, i'm having a pretty great day. Bo has an apt with his doc at 4:30 and Tai gets out of afterschool at 5:30.